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Today, I’ll be playing a little game I call “Ask Schadeboy the Important Questions.” This is a game where I pretend I have thousands of readers, and that some of them actually send me messages with important questions. I know, it’s fantasy and not very realistic. But I’ve been accused of not being realistic in the past, so why break precedence?

Today’s important question comes from eight-year-old Timothy Crumb from Inavale, Nebraska. Timothy asks, “So what good is Wal-Mart anyway, ya know?”

Timothy, this is exactly the type of important question that this blog strives to answer. Believe me when I tell you, I take this question extremely seriously. I flipped through a business journal and spent minutes on the Internet to come up with an intelligent answer. And I can honestly say, with the full backing of the scientific community, that the answer is, “not much.”

I fully understand where Timothy is coming from. I have had my own bouts with Wal-Mart’s unbelievable marketing prowess. Take this past Thursday, for instance. I was in Wal-Mart looking for, of all things, the Christmas music rack. I had hoped to snag the latest Mannheim Steamroller CD. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where they took all of their songs from all of their previous albums -which I already own - and put them on a new album. Only the songs are in a different order, so obviously I have to buy it. So where do you think I would start looking for such an item? Remember, I’m looking for Christmas music.

Probably the best place to find music is in the music section, right? That’s what I thought, too. So that’s where I went to look. One thing I learned from this shopping trip is that my logic pales in comparison to Wal-Mart’s logic. I was foolish to believe that I possessed anywhere near the syllogism that the marketing geniuses at Wal-Mart have. Of course the Christmas music display isn’t going to be in the music section. I am such an ignorant buffoon to even think such a thing.

In fact, it’s not going to be anywhere near the music section. I had to ask several members of the crack Wal-Mart Item Location Investigation Team, but I eventually tracked down the elusive Christmas music display rack. Do you want to know where I found it? You may want to sit down for this. It was in - I am not making this up - the Garden Center. And not just in the Garden Center, but way in the back, tucked rather unceremoniously in a corner next to the emergency exit. Yeah, that’s a good place for it.

I can just imagine the conversation that took place on this:

Wal-Mart Marketing Director: This Christmas music display rack is actually selling Christmas music. We’ve got to put a stop to it immediately!

Wal-Mart Marketing Sycophant: Sir, we could put it in the garden center. You know, next to the emergency exit. Nobody will ever find it there.

Director: Excellent idea! I only wish I had thought of it myself.

Sycophant: As far as I’m concerned, sir, you did. By the way, my surgery to have my lips permanently attached to your butt is scheduled for this afternoon.

Director: Oh, good. I look forward to it.

Due to a major snafu in the HR department at Wal-Mart, there was an actual Wal-Mart employee who appeared to know what was going on. I talked to her about this very problem and she suggested that maybe the logic fell more along the lines of since there are only nine more shopping days until Christmas 2005, that they wanted to get the Christmas stuff out of the way so they can make room for next year’s Christmas stuff.

You think I’m kidding about this. Seriously, she mentioned that this year’s Christmas stuff appeared back in August. I suspect maybe they’ll keep pushing the Christmas season one month at a time, until eventually you’re shopping for “next Christmas” during “this Christmas.”

My thought is, if Wal-Mart wants to get rid of Christmas stuff, why not just put it on special and place it right in front of people? My guess is you’d get rid of the stock and make a lot of money at the same time. After all, isn’t the point of being in business to make money? But then again, that’s just another example of the low-quality logic that keeps me from being a big-money executive at Wal-Mart.

Maybe I need to schedule some surgery?